How many Jews can you fit into a car? Two in the front, three in the back, and a hundred in the ashtray.

My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her. She'll finally experience what rejection is really like.

Why is every gender equality officer female? Because it's cheaper.

.NET developers are picky when it comes to food. They only like chicken NuGet.

What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.

What do you call a witch at the beach? A Sandwich.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" [very long pause] "Java."

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying "Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in June!" "Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me?" I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It's now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won't say where she got them.