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Well, I appreciate your candor and openness. Not everyone has the courage to express themselves as genuinely as you do, especially when grappling with personal pain and introspection. Life decisions, especially ones we look back on with regret, are tough. But remember that every choice we make, even the ones we label as 'mistakes,' contribute to who we become. Perhaps the time in the army and other decisions seemed ill-advised in hindsight, but they've undoubtedly shaped aspects of your character and resilience. Why would you say joining the military was without a doubt, the dumbest and most harmful choice you ever made? I know the military usually instills a lot of discipline. “I don't know how to reconcile the regret I feel with what I currently know I want.” I am not an expert, but I can say for myself, I have had a very wild life yet I regret nothing, but I suppose it’s just how I look at things. I understand mistakes I’ve made and I just try not to make them again, in school we make mistakes on our home work and then we correct them - it’s just how humans learn. Try looking at your life from a different lens. It's true that bearing children is biologically more challenging for women as they age. However, it is not impossible if you are in your 40s dating a woman that is 30 is not something uncommon. It’s actually a healthy gap in many cases because you men mature much slower for some reason 😂 so it’s kind of a perfect match when considering how mature both people are 🤷‍♀️. And then she has plenty of time because women don’t even get into menopause until around 45 - 55. Also with advances in assisted reproductive technologies, such as in vitro fertilization (IVF) and egg donation, women in their 50s and even 60s have successfully become pregnant and given birth. Obviously pregnancies in older age come with increased risks for both the mother and the baby, but my point is that it’s not something to just close the book on if you feel this strongly about it. Also there are many people who are unable to have children for whatever reasons and they just grow old and cute together💜. Your self-awareness about your stubbornness and your own internal struggles is commendable. Self-blame is a heavy burden to bear, but remember, while accountability is important, perpetually blaming oneself can be corrosive. It’s essential to find a balance between acknowledging our missteps and showing ourselves compassion. You must be able to fully love yourself before you can offer love to a woman, you need to know how to love yourself in order to show her real love. How you treat yourself sets the tone for how others will treat you. When you love, respect, and value yourself, others will naturally reflect that same admiration and care. Trust me, including a potential future partner, they will mirror this respect back to you. Re “I don't change easily or often. I'm stubborn and thickheaded.” If you want to change something you will. So if you meet a woman and she asks you to eat healthier so that you have a better chance at creating a healthy baby or just so that you can live longer together, if you share the same goals you will make the change with joy and excitement! What do you think you need to change, but feel you are too “thickheaded” to change for? Yeah, #nostr is a super cool place with many interesting, funny, smart, and very well read people. I got a smile out of your pop culture references! Though your body may bear the brunt of life's challenges, the spirit and intellect within you has remained sharp. But I’m sorry you have had serious injuries 🥵🙏 I’m not sure what they are, but I know being in the army is not something easy and not a career many walk away from uninjured. But yeah also working 7 days a week for months at a time for years on end can take a toll on mental and physical health for sure! 🙏 However I don’t think you are past your prime, in fact I think you just entered it, and it's definitely not all downhill from here. What’s your lifestyle that you consider not in your favor? Your list speaks volumes about what you're looking for in a partner. It's detailed and thoughtful, reflecting a deep understanding of your desires and I can say I know many girls even my age that would say yes to everything on your list. It sounds like you have a very specific picture of home, family, and a life filled with meaningful connections. While the search for such a person might seem daunting TO YOU (because that’s not a hard list IMO), having clarity about what you want in a partner is half the battle. There are many out there who would resonate with your vision of life. I think this is a great start and think only around 35-45 do men start to understand what they actually want in a partner and in their home life. Your honesty is refreshing. While it might feel like a fault at times, it's a rare trait in today's world. Life has its ebb and flow; while you're navigating a challenging ebb now, there’s always the potential for the tide to change.
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It's a bit easier talking about things with strange people and strangers on the internet, though, I tend to be just as candid in person if I'm not in the middle of a large group. I'm more of an introvert and while I'm fine company in larger groups, I tend to end up in deeper conversations with 2-3 people. Kind of exactly like what's happening here. Though, I do wonder if I'm conflating talking about things instead of taking action. No, no. I'm very likely doing that. "All talk and no action makes Matt (my name) amusing at parties but not a fine romantic partner." Or something like that. Oh, I'm very well aware that I am the amalgam of every choice I've made, and even every choice my parents made, and etc. No, my time in the army made me much more bitter, resentful, angry (though that's mostly faded), abd distrustful, though, being distrustful of the entire Fiat system is why I'm here rift now, so, that's not exactly bad, but, the army left a block mark on my soul and it hasn't been scrubbed away yet. Hence, the dumbest decision I've ever made. Another lesson from the army: external discipline is no good replacement for internal discipline. Here's another personal example: I have a very poisonous relationship with exercise because it was forced on me when I was injured and not recovered yet. I resented it, and, it that makes it very hard for me to motivate myself to work out at all now. That's very unhealthy, but I'm not evergreen sure of what to do about that except STFU and do it, but, then I deal with physical pain and I crumble under that two-pronged attack. Not good, especially long term. Couple that with a genetic profile that makes it hard to loose weight, and, I'm just too wide for my own good. (I'm fat AND big-boned. So, no one who looks at me things I weigh as much as I do since it's a bit more evenly distributed that some guy with a huge gut.) Anyway... I have not had a wild life. I'm thankful for that. I'm not suited to those kinds of things. My life is my own problem, and bearing the responsibility for that is something I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do. I don't mean that is fatalistic sense. I mean that I am crumbling in front of the weight of my regrets, and that's not a pretty sight. I only have one lense to look through. I'm not even sure how to frame my life in another way. I'm aware. My sister had a long struggle to bring my neice into the world. I'm probably more aware of what it takes for a woman to be healthy enough to bear children without complications than most younger women... And that's a bit sad. My ex is 12.5 years younger than me. When she pursued me at the start of things (I'm generally oblivious, so I usually need to be clonked over the head to notice that a woman is *interested* in me), she thought I was maybe 5 years older. (She has a type, I was right in the middle of her strike zone. LOL) Having a baby face really caught her off guard when she found out my actual age (which I thought she was aware of at the start) a few months after we started dating. I didn't mind the age gap, or even her teasing me over it, though there was enough of a gap that it caused a little friction at times, but later I realized that was mostly from the fact that I missed out on years of pop culture from being so busy with the army and then work. It's a bit strange. Back to your topic... Have you ever heard of "the scumbag rule?" for older guys getting back into dating/whatever, divide your age in half then add seven. I hadn't heard of this until last year when I was messing around with dating apps. I have no clue who came up with that, a friend told me. I think it feels "about right" but, I'm not sure I'll ever be in a context where I'd be able to court a woman in her late 20s or early 30s without it looking... Creepy? Gross? Growing old and cute together is a fine possibility, and one I could accept with the right woman, but I am still just barely young enough to possibly be able to meet a woman that wants to have 2+ (one isn't the best option, IMO) children. Yes, I'm open to someone who already has children, though, there are probably some caveats to that. Corrosive is certainly an accurate description of how I treat music. I am stumbling around tripping over my own feet trying to find a balance point. That's not exactly attractive. LOL If you're correct about needing to know how to live myself before I love a woman, then I'm doomed and that's just the end of things. I'll go off into the wilderness (or as close as I can get without being too far from family) and struggle with embracing solitude. I am much more apt to make positive changes for others. I tend to treat people, in general, much better than I treat myself. But that's not a balanced way to live and does cause issues sheet a while, so you are correct. My answer will be self-discipline. Respecting mystified enough to test myself well. Word play is just one of the best parts of being human, I think, so, as long as my bring functions, I'll be playing with words. I think I've answered most of the least questions above, but I can fill in not details if you would like, though it's more of the same. But I'm definitely past any prime that I may have had. This is coming from my current position: I see exactly 0 women who would say yes to even a quarter of my list. But you are living a very different life, so, I don't think that is surprising at all. I do have a very specific home in mind. I've already built the physical building in my head several times. Building a home that is full of warmth and laughter treasures a lot of work, and I'm not sure I could ever meet that goal but it's worth pursuing. I don't know the sea well enough to be able to see the changes in the sea. Again, thank you for taking the time to discuss these things. I'm sure you have other things you could be doing, abd you gracing me with your time is a valuable and undeserved gift.
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